MUSIC PAINTING - Glocal Sound - Matteo Negrin

*** nice video that i wish to share here, nothing to do with my post below though***

recently had been caught in a lot of dilemmas...
a lot of changes coming up in my life. for better or for worse,
life will neva be the same again for me.

im not sure bout others, seems to me it's easier for them to
make a decision/ make a change when they believe it's time to do so.
(or it could be my selective abstraction in observing these)
but for me. it's always tough.
and it's gettin harder and harder for me to choose a path.

i've lost a lotsa confidence in me.
lost:
-the strength to believe in my own judgement.
-the strength to withstand bystander's opinions and assumptions
-the strength to take risk, to TRY and WAIT and SEE ( and/or TRY AGAIN)
-the strength to LET GO of unpick options..

i think the biggest problem in making a decision for me,
is to know that whateva i pick, there's another thing that i have to let go.
knowing that devastates me,
especially when we can never be sure where the option we chose might leads us to.
and we'll never know.

I NEED TO FIND MYSELF BACK AGAIN!
I DONT GIVE A DAMN IF PPL TEL ME AGAIN THAT I OVERESTIMATED MYSELF,
OR SAID ANYTHING THAT PULLS ME DOWN AGAIN
(which had been eating out my self esteem since then, oh no, not now, not anymore)
i want to have my vanity back, and some sense of insanity too!!
26 years of living : i found that no matter what you do, or what you dont do,
people stil have something to say bout you. so to hell kepochiss.
they just wipe their ass off after hurting you and there you are,
left wounded and shrunken like a tiny lil mimosa, CLOSING UP yaself.


ohya bout the ppl i've met in 2010.

negative ppl:
- selfish leeches (those who comes to you when they needs you. and vanishes when they dont and uses ppl only for their own benefit.. yucksss)
-pretentious ( those who pretend to be like an innocent sweet angel but kiss my ass, her real self disgusts me a lot. but im glad, i wil soon say bye bye to ppl like YOU, oh you have the aforementioned characteristic too, congratulations)
-self defeating ones ( im one of them. lost before the battle. low low self-worth... fml)

positive ppl:
-determined and visionary ( one that not only dreams but also execute their plans
-positive, vibrant and charming ( some guys and gals that i salute a lot)
-happy and energetic ( high levels of energy and always seems ready for challenges and chances!)
-friendly and genuine ( maintaing positive energy with the social system, gives and takes with sincerity)
-the go-ers ( believe in self and do whateva they believed in, even sometimes in the costs of other's disapproval and discouragement)

GUESS i have many role models for my inspiration!
2011. i wanna be a better person.
physically,
psychologically,
mentally,
socially,
wholely,
constructively,
positively!




p/s i've made a list of tasks that i need to do:
some new year's resolution perhaps. **coming up in next post**
(oh. speaking about last year's resolution, i think out of so many of them,
i've only achieved ONE, Shame on me, Caren :(

anyway. wil sum up last year's ups and downs, in my next post too, so see ya'al