letting go

it's been about 2 years we're together.
we love each other deeply. and stil do:) i talked to you that night. many things that was previously deep inside..
the next day. we talked about letting go.
i stil love your smile. warm hug of yours.
the way u care and pampered me
your eyes ya naggin about
"can you pls take off your contact lenses after a long day of wearing it?
your tenderness your strength your faith.
the way u kiss my forehead each night before i went to bed.
the soft whisper near my ears breakfast
with eggs with broken yolks, sandwiches, hotdogs,
serving hot for me every morning prepared by you
times that u've accompanied me through everything i do
u travelled with me. detouring.
things u've bought for me
even when u can have it for you own expenditure stuffs that u did secretly in aiding me..
etc. .. .
......... ........
.......... ..........
.....
your loyalty
the beauty in me that you've always sees..
patience through all my mistakes and dispositions
capacity for my harsh rude words and criticism..
etc.


who says letting go is easy?


but

darl,

i need time to grow.
i need space to grow.
it's been a long while i havent really "live" my own life
but parasiting yours
i forgot to love others as well in live. parents. brothers. friends.
i never tot that i would have this much of capacity to learn
in loving ppl around me to speak up.
to talk to strangers that i met.
to present myself again.. and me alone.
to travel to places with my own capability.
knowing which station of lrt to walk out from the train
instead of waiting for your signal
knowing how much it would costs for tickets from wangsa maju to klcc? taman jaya? kelana?
learning how to stop a taxi.. to initiate question,
to pay for the ride? all by my own.
i've long lost these capabilities..

til i forgot to self-empower.
to grow.
to live..
independently.
because..

you love me... so much:)

too much that im so into it...
so into your protections
till i lost my courage to walk alone in streets..
i lost the feeling of being .. my own.
and your love. unconditional. ever-flowing.
i took it for granted..

there comes my criticism.. expectations.. unsatisfactory.
i forgot to cherish you forgot to cherish your love.
and forgot to love myself as well.

damn what would it takes to find myself back?

wil i forever loses your love ?

but what m i to hold you back now,
when ther is no faith in myself?
when ther is so much of uncertainties.. doubts.. weakness

who says letting go is easy?



for the one i love/loved deeply with my heart, body, and soul.,

thank you...

ET

i woke up so damn early these 3 days.. 6am.nop 6.15am> 6.30am...cos i put my alarm in snooze mode..:)took lrt and then taxi ..course starts at 9am-5pm...after that. went home. dinner. kepoh.. sleep..





what?


har?



oh... more elaboration ?



alright alright...



in lrt

if any of us have had this experience before, need i say more?
but for those who never specticulate how human can actually squeeze themselves in different forms just to get themselves into the train..and here u can see the closest distance.. an invisible bond for human being.. for that 1 hour.. i get to smell all sorts of underarms of different ages. races. sexes.different scents..
i dont mind if someone using dkny-bedelicious or paco rabance-ultraviolet.. or tommy hilfiger-true star..... but always, that's not the case.. often some cheap "minyak wangi de toilett" haha.. cause migraine summore.. haha..
and at most times.. ppl dont get to get into the train because there aint any spaces left inside the train..so... there are also times when there is too many ppl coming out from the train... leaving more spaces in the train ( sounds like good news right?) BUT then because the great number of ppl coming out of the train also took a great number of time in doing so... thus before ppl from outside can happily get into the train to fill in the spaces inside the train.. the door..CLOSED. ..
to put it short... PACKED.

TAXI

if u know me well. u would remember that it's one of my fear to take taxi ride.
haha.. thanks to my parents' advice, and the newpaper.. and many forward-mail. haha.. whenever im in a taxi. can stop thinkin what bad things would the driver do to me. haih.. but luckily it's not too long a distance from taman jaya lrt station to agape counselling centre. and it costs me rm 5.30 or rm 4.50 or somewhere in between for the ride.


ohya..
that leads me to talk about agape counselling centre

THE CENTRE

so. this is the place i was assigned to for my previous internship.
cool place. from there i knew about this EXPRESSIVE THERAPY.. so due to my passion and believe in it's effectiveness... i took the course conducted in conjuction with EXPRESSIVE THERAPIES INSTITUTE OF AUSTRALIA by director and founder of the therapy, MARK PEARSON.

it consists 5 3-days module spread over a year.
so total up is 15 days to get me a therapist certificate. sounds cool?
haha

so what is this course all about.
?

symbolworks.
drawings,
art,
musics,
bio-energetics.

to aid client so release their emotional concerns, unfinished business, inner conflict, happy recollections.
usually ppl always think that those who went for psychotherapy or counselling must be someway insane? having problems? depressed? weak? insufficient?

ha...
that's the common misperception la.
though most ppl also come for therapy in search of help in some kind. they can also get the chance to learn more about themselves.. their own strengths.. and perhaps discover some unknown talents? and potential?

nice.


during the course.
there are many breaks.. tea breaks together with kuih" and some desserts..
opps.. nop .. what i mean is.. during the course
many things were taught.

how to handle traumatic clients?
exploring family issues which is damn important in shaping a person's personality and directions in actions. etc. as well as
relaxation techniques. and self explorations. etc.

Mark share some of his cases with us as well as inviting us to experience ourselves the content and activities of the therapy.. which at first was kinda embarassing but in the end... FUN FUN FUN

well. to me , he is a great trainer, who have a great capacity to love and care and accept others. :) appreciate so much when he did wrote me a recommendation letter for my future use :D

during some roleplay and sharing session.. i did release some of my worries and sad emotions through some symbolworks.. i gained some strength to somehow do somethin about this negative part of me. and also gained some courage and faith in myself to really step forward to settle some conflicting issues and as well making tough decisions.. i know i need to move on. but im scared too.. and acknowledgin that fear and doubt inside me is already a step forward.

thus,

i've made some decision...tough decision in my life.
and learn to ...let go.







ps. i'll talk more about this emotional release/expressive therapies if anyone of you are interested. leave me a message in comments column.. or if anyone feels like want to try it out.. dont hesitate to contact me.. i can assure u it is safe and non threatening.. u dont have to do things u feel uncomfortable with:) and there is no right or wrong in this therapy.. just be yourself.

hire me please...

it's been a long while im graping at home.. (butter's dictionary: grape n. a green or purple berry growing in clusters, used for making wine. graping v. "menganggur" in Bahasa Melayu)

during my birthday this year, on the 10th of june, i went for my 1st interview in Tar College. everything went on smoothly and then after several days of waiting.. they called me for a 2nd interview.

so.. i just continue to knit spider-web at home while waiting for the day to come... 20th june 2008.

basically, it is today la... i wake up so early in the morning, woke by the alarm ringtone from my mobile phone, my roomate tingting, and my housemate edwin:) and after that i also receives some wake up calls from xy and josh. i know it seems a bit too much for having so many "alarm clocks" but hey, it's me... it's caren they're waking up... would never be as easy as you think. because every morning.. i'll be glued to my bed.. even when im consciously awake.. so u might need to really "pull" me out.. slap me.. splash pails of water.. or do whatever u can think of..
but to be frank la... my best wake up calls would be..

1. kiss me gently on my cheeks about a hundred and twenty eight times.
2. learn from my mummy's technique.. she'll keep nagging and nagging and nagging in a low amplitude.. not too loud.. and i would be very curious and though im inside my blanket, i wil consciously.. intentionally listen to what this old lady got to say.. and then..im awake:)

alright.. i drag too far from the topic..
then i made myself a warm.. nutritious breakfast:)
picture the eggs scrambled.. and overcooked.. and then turned to black colour. so this is basically what i had for today's breakfast. i topped it with some cheddar cheese and a slice of bread.

hmm.. let's move to another scene. the place im interviewed.
it's a conference room... it took 5 minutes of walking distance from the side entrance of tar college:) and in a dusty, hot weather. my back drenched in sweats.. and im wearing a white formal shirt. so.. stop imaginin.

then i was asked to sit in a very well air-conditioned room together with other candidates..altogether 4 of them. all masters holder.. damn..suddenly i feel so inferior to them.. haih.. one of them was a lecturer in Utar. haha.

so they called my name and i walked in . with a smile (try so hard to squeeze a smile in order to act relax and attentive)

6 interviewers. the principal, vice principal, head of registras, head of school of social science n humanities. another 2 i cant listen carefully but they are also one of those significant ppl la.. can see by the way they look. plus a representative from human resource department.

wow.

their tea pot and cups are those of old english type.. with gold lining.elegantly siting right infront of each and every one..

haha.
they actually dint ask me much questions and the principal and me myself are the one that speaks majority in that session..
number of questions asked: no more than 5.

so the last question was" do you have any question?"
i answered. "yes. when can i start working?"

she said" oh.. haha... u are available in anytime right?.. we'll call u .. u just have to wait , okay?"

.......( haih.. wait again.. )

sigh.. now back to my condo and just continue spider web-ing and grape-ing.. help me pray that i get that job k?...muacks..

butter's new habitat....

ohya. it's been couple of weeks i moved to this place.. and after these weeks.. im stil as excited as i first step into this place:) ....so im living with the same old bunch of previous housemates in ss2 as well.. haha.. crazy.. i think our relationship gets too good til our butts stick together and can hardly be separated liao.. that's why we moved together... to a new barn in wangsa-maju. but sigh wai wai and nicol aint moving with us.. cos wai wai got an incredibly high offer of rm2800 to work for public bank in mentakap and nicol went back to penang.. T-T.. miss wai wai so muchii la... here's a photo of him..